It is sad to think about the young celebrities who have recently been making headlines because of their drug and alcohol abuse, law-breaking antics and disrespect for society. They tend to blame those around them and the justice system because they are facing jail terms or ordered into rehabilitation. It seems pretty obvious that these individuals have not been held accountable for their actions for so long that they have begun to believe that they have the right to do as they please.

I have been part of discussions where some people blame the teen or young adult for their choices while others blame the parents for the permissiveness that they have given their children since birth. It’s hard to figure out where the problem lies because sometimes troubled teens come from great homes whereas great teens can come from troubled homes. And we all know families that have several children, each of which is completely different from the others despite the common environment. Some things are just a mystery! There are three attitudes that have become quite prevalent in the past few years in our society which I think have interfered for some with the development of what could be healthy parent-child relationships.

The first is that many parents want to be “friends” with their child or children. Over the years, some women have told me that they had a child because they felt unloved, rejected or lonely and thought that a child would fill the needs that adults failed to meet for them in the past. Other parents have the idea that a child is like a beautiful doll that they can place on a shelf to admire and then bring down to dress up and show off to family and friends. Still others treat their children like friends who they don’t want to upset or lose.

Children seldom meet the deepest needs of the parent and even if they do, an unhealthy situation can result. When a parent places the need to be “friends” above the need to parent the child in a responsible manner, the whole dynamic is affected. God placed children in families so the children’s needs will be met by the parents – not the other way around. Secondly, today’s teens seem to have a concept of “ours”. They think that what belongs to the parent is “ours”. I remember my son’s friend who was asking for a car and argued “But dad, we’re rich”. His father’s reply was “No son, I’m rich. You are poor”.

When children think that they don’t have to work for anything, they are not motivated to develop skills, use creativity to earn discretionary money for their “wants” or plan a career that will enhance their future. Many times, I see the anguish of parents who have adult children still living at home because they do not believe they need to develop healthy independence. Some have careers where they are actually earning more than the parents but enjoy “free room and board” not only for themselves but sometimes even for their partners and children. Thirdly, sometimes children have a sense of “entitlement” where they think that the world owes them not only a living but a luxurious lifestyle. Their mindset is that they deserve respect but that they don’t have to give it or earn it. If asked to do simple household chores they state that it is their room and the parents have no right to ask them to clean it. Teachers who give low marks for shoddy work are criticized by the child as being “incompetent” or “unfair”. When they are brought into a Courtroom for breaking the law, the teens are appalled at the nerve of the police or judge for causing trouble for them.

Often parents ask for advice about raising their troubled teens and I tell them that it is totally acceptable and necessary to have and enforce family rules that teach responsibility in a healthy manner. It will not harm a child to hold a part-time job as long as it doesn’t interfere with school work (which is the child’s primary “job”). Trying to be your child’s “friend” will interfere with your ability to parent appropriately and, as the child’s model you will need to demonstrate the consistency, maturity and responsibility which you want them to emulate. Finally, if the child or teen is not complying, consider what is done when one country invades another. The first task is to “bomb the supplies”. Allowances, cell phones and computers are not a “rite of passage” and can be taken away from children or teens who are not doing what is required of them.

It isn’t easy to raise children and teenagers – especially if you haven’t done it before or had any training and there isn’t any exact formula to ensure that a child will “turn out” well. There are, however, techniques and guidelines that will help with the task of raising healthy and responsible children.

If you are struggling in the area of parenting, perhaps talking with a psychologist will help to get things back on track for you and your family. And remember, it isn’t weakness to ask for help – it’s a weakness not to ask!

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From Dr. Linda Hancock, Registered Psychologist and Registered Social Worker

Because I have had the privilege of working in Child Welfare, three school systems, Mental Health and private practice I have learned a great deal about how people think. Frequently I hear the term “best interests of the child” and am surprised to learn that the parent believes that this situation is ONLY possible if the child lives with him or her. In fact, I am constantly amazed that couples like each other well enough to make a child but not well enough to work together in order to parent the child or ensure that a healthy environment exists for the child when the marriage or partnership ends. Hillary Clinton, Senator for New York State made popular the phrase “It takes a whole village to raise a child”. Unfortunately, immature and vengeful parents frequently sabotage the resources by bad-mouthing those very family members or friends who have much to offer the child and are emotionally closest to him or her. I hear accusations about drug or alcohol abuse, inappropriate decision-making, poor relationship building and even police involvement by “other” parent. Sometimes I even hear about all the sins of the grandparents! One of my first questions is to ask why the accuser ever got involved with someone who, according to the accusations, has not been capable of being a suitable partner – let alone parent. Usually the response is that the informant just HOPED that the person with problems would change.

One of the worst things a child can experience is conflict! Imagine how traumatic it is for a little one to witness every person s/he loves being exposed as inappropriate to be around! Even if the child is pre-verbal and cannot express emotions s/he experiences an environment that is either tension-filled or lacking the consistency of having both parents available to the child at the same time because of separation. I tell teenagers that “growing up is doing all the things you don’t want to do – anyway”. This includes developing a healthy co-parenting relationship with all of the relatives of your child. “Best interests of the child” is about the child – not your needs or emotions or convenience. It means far more than structure, routines, nutrition, clothing and medical care. It includes emotional support, good problem-solving skills and most importantly role-modeling. History does repeat itself and I am saddened to have children present as clients when they are unable to negotiate the behaviours of their parents after a separation occurs. Ancient scripture claims that sins of the father do go down to the fourth and fifth generation. Children not only suffer but also don’t have any idea how to break the cycle and make healthier choices than their ancestors. If you are worried about which man your child will call “dad” or how the child will talk to you when s/he is a teenager – look in the mirror. You are the example.

I travel by airplane frequently and enjoy watching the flight attendant give safety instructions to the passengers. We are told, “If there is an emergency a mask will fall from the ceiling. Put it on yourself FIRST and then help the person beside you”. You cannot change other people but you can ensure that you are hooked up to healthy supports. It all starts with you making a move towards making good choices. My father and sister were in the banking industry. When they trained tellers they never let counterfeit touch their fingers. That way, when a counterfeit bill appeared the teller knew immediately that it wasn’t acceptable. Children recognize counterfeit. Best interests of the child, I believe means ensuring that you offer only the genuine currency that will help your offspring to be able to navigate life – with or without you! It’s up to you to ensure that best interests of the child are truly about the child.

Place your palms together tightly with your hands pointing in a vertical position. This is a universal symbol for prayer or spirituality. Pretend that between your palms is this very moment – today. To the left is your past and to the right is your future. Sometimes people focus on the past, especially on the problems they have had and, over time, this can develop into a depression. Those who focus on the future and are worried about the pitfalls that it might hold, can develop
anxiety.

Recently I heard a speaker state that the most difficult task in the world is to sustain focus. There are so many things to distract us from peace and rest. The arrival of invoicing for what now seems a frivolous purchase, meetings with relatives or reminders of how things “used to be” can plunge us into a pool of somewhat overwhelming emotions. A new diagnosis, thoughts of planning for retirement or developing a new relationship, on the other hand, can lead to sleepless nights of worry over things that haven’t even happened yet.

Our mind and body need times of rest and refreshment. Imagine leaving a light on for 24 hours a day. Over time it becomes extremely hot and eventually burns out. If we don’t have breaks the same thing happens to us.

I frequently recommend that individuals begin a list called “100 Things that bring me Pleasure”. At first they are usually quite shocked by my suggestion and state that they couldn’t think of more than four or five. Some are less than that. This tells me something. When a person doesn’t know what brings pleasure they are in trouble!

I coach them to NOT put things on the list if they involve other people. That makes the homework even more demanding. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to write the list. In fact, it may take a lifetime. The important thing is to know what bring your pleasure.

After a week or so of working on the list, I challenge the client to begin doing these things. It might be only one item a day to begin. Almost immediately, things change! There is something to look forward to, something to enjoy and also something great for the memory bank. This week my challenge to you is to start your list of “100 Things that Bring Pleasure” and remember to live in the moment.